This was something I wrote way back in 2010 when I believe I was going through a bout of depression. Thankfully I am past that but that was the lowest point in my life. I discovered that depression isn't the end of life and one can actually make it out of it whole and completely healed.This is for that period of my life that I cannot and will not forget. The biggest learning experience that I ever had.
There’s a huge difference between hearing your grandma tell u stories and having to read them for yourself.Though I enjoyed reading, I have missed the chance to listen to those awe-inspiring tales of princesses,magical creatures,talking animals,epic heroes or plain old family history when I was a kid.
I long for it now…
Stories are only part fictional; there is a little bit of heart and soul to every story. This is the story of how I got into a ‘Nothingness’.
It all started with the simple statement “Stay out of trouble” that my mom often told me.I fear I applied the ‘stay away’ part to everything. I stayed out of any form of entertaiment – dance,music,drawing,quiz that came my way in school.I also stayed away from Everything and Everyone.
Eventually life became nonincidental,uneventful,monotonous and dull.
While my friends were out there doing things ranging from helping a total stranger, from hanging out, to picking up a fight, to loving someone to being hella busy, I was just there – existing.
It would be a wonder if I smiled 3 times a day, or cried once in a while.
I feel nothing, I hear nothing, I speak nothing.
For a few days all I seemed to be doing was to get up,get on a bus,stare blankly out the window of the bus(I hardly read the posters or hoardings),sit in the class texting pointlessly,jump back on bus ,eat and sleep.
I was good at nothing. I gave singing a try. I auditioned for TekMusic and even the English Literary Society(ELS).But sadly for me they didn’t work out at all.And now with potential arrears I seem to be no good academically either.
Life for me was defined by a control chain which was whipped everytime I stepped out of line.Sometimes I inflicted it on myself and I couldn’t stop it.
Been brought up a perfect princess ,it is difficult to not be a little haughty.
I stayed away from other people and as a result my social skills now amount to a ‘grande zero’. I am sorry ,but this is who I am …
I don’t wish life was all happy like a fairy tale I want my share of the universe too…I want to be able to tell my grandchildren my own stories…Will that happen?
For nearly a year this was how I was – I existed only in breathing. I was not moved by any poignant movie, I wasn’t affected in the least by the most shocking news. At one point I was desperately begging myself to shed a singe tear – but no it wouldn’t come. I was in ‘Nothingness’. I coudn’t feel. I couldn’t emote. I couldn’t express. By the end of one year I did get out of this state of Nothingness. I fought it hard. I fought to get back into the skin of the ambitious teenager I was in 2006. I fought it because I missed being me. So in the end I did beat Nothingness. I am happy to say that I now cry – and cry like a baby 😛 I am a human with emotions and real feelings. I am ME.