If she could speak…

I miss you, Amma.
I miss you everyday.

Why did you leave me here and go away?

Was I not what you had expected?
Did you not like me when I was born?
Or did you see some defect in me?

Did my biological father want to give me away?
Or maybe put an end to my life, because I was a girl?

You put me away for adoption the day I was born – I forgive you.
I know you have your reasons.
And I’m sure you loved me.
I know you must.

Because I love you – albeit not knowing you,
I love you, Amma.

But I’m angry that you haven’t tried to contact me yet.

Sometimes,
I’m so angry that I start crying.
Other times,
I simply lie awake – crying and unable to stop.
It’s just beyond me, this torrent of tears.

I don’t belong here, Amma.
It’s all so strange.

These people have so many criteria for love!

Whoever needs criteria to love?
You just love. That’s all.

They are oddballs, these folks.

Why did you leave me with these strangers, Amma?
They are calling themselves my ‘parents’ now.

They aren’t really people, Amma.
One of them is a monster and the other is a ghost.

The monster scares me, Amma.
She growls at me;
She hits me;
She spites me;

The ghost is her partner.
He doesn’t do anything much
Most of the times he just stares as the monster tortures me.
But on rare occasions,
he spits out ugly & disgusting stuff.

And because they are not people,
they are not capable of listening and talking
and sharing like normal humans.

They know only the supernatural law of communication.
‘Kill it before it kills you.’

Oh, and she loves to threaten me with this game of lives, Amma.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve wondered –
“Should I kill it before it kills me?”

What do you think, Amma? Should I kill it?
How can I commit such a heinous crime?
How can I not, knowing that if I don’t, it will kill me first?

I don’t like living among such monsters and ghosts, Amma.

The monster and the ghost are a match made in Hell.
Because they deserve each other.

But what did I do to deserve them?
Why did you choose to punish me like this, Amma?

I’ve grown up now,
After asking too many ‘wrong’ questions
I have learnt to finally shut my mouth.

So I won’t ask you anymore of those Why questions.

But I beg of you,
Please take me away.
Please take me away to anywhere that’s normal.
Please take me away to where you are.

I promise I’ll kick the bucket hard this time.

-Awaiting your reply,
Your abandoned orphan.

 

Notes by Author: 

Amma – means ‘mom’ in a lot of different languages, specially from the South Indian region.

What I have attempted to show in this poem is the yearning of a child who doesn’t have a voice, in the figurative sense. She is a grown up woman but her inner child yearns for the motherly love that she hasn’t received at her adopted parents’ place.  

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